Puzzle Solved
Posted by harlan on 07 Apr 2008 at 09:04 pm | Tagged as: marking time
I spent most of the weekend trying to decide which job I should take: the safe one, or the interesting one? It was not fun churning it over and over, because it’s not like a puzzle.
When you do a Sudoku puzzle, for example, you enter into it with the knowledge that there’s a solution (well, once I did one that didn’t have a solution, but I have to say that I still enjoyed the seven hours I spent on proving there wasn’t one. It was still a puzzle, just a different one than it had started out to be.)
My point is, life is unfortunately not very much like a puzzle, with an identifiable and correct solution. No, a more appropriate analogy for life would be that you’re barefoot on a rocking boat, wearing a blindfold, and you have to find your way from one end to the other. Except the bottom of the boat is covered with fish hooks, and every time you take a couple steps, a sailor on the boat either punches you in the kidneys or spin-kicks you in the solar plexus.
Except, at least in this one instance, my job choice has worked out to be a puzzle. And I’m fucking good at puzzles.
Here’s how it unfolded.
By Sunday afternoon, I was sick of thinking about which job to take. I was also, to tell the truth, sick of thinking of B. and Wednesday. By having sex with her, have I fully committed myself to her? Have we taken an important toward marriage, at least in her mind? Because I know for sure that I do not want to marry her. Except, right as I typed that, I realized that’s not true. I know that I want to be married. I want to relax and not worry about being alone anymore. And maybe B. is as good as I deserve. For that matter, she’s probably much better than I deserve. I know I’ve described her quirks, both facial and behavioral, but the truth is she’s been kind to me and has offered herself to me. That’s not something I should take so lightly.
I’m getting off track. I wanted to talk about how I solved the job puzzle. You can probably tell I’m kind of scatter-brained right now. So, Sunday afternoon, I went to the challenge court for some racquetball. I had to wait for a few minutes, watching a man and woman play (the challenge court has a glass wall). The woman was clearly better, and so it wasn’t a big surprise that the man left the court, saying, “Good luck” to me as I went in.
Her name is Janet, and she kicked my ass, two straight games. She destroyed me in the first game: 15-7. I started figuring out her style by the second game and closed the gap. She eventually beat me 20-18 (we were playing with the must-win-by-2 rule, I don’t think everyone plays that way). There was nobody waiting for the court after our two games, so we just swatted the ball around for a while, and I told her that I was trying to pick between two jobs, and I had to decide by the next day.
I have to say, it felt good to be able to honestly brag that I had to choose between two jobs. I explained the basics of my decision, and then Janet asked me a very smart question: “Why decide tomorrow?”
Yeah, why decide tomorrow? Just go into the small company and accept the job, but also call the safe company and accept the job there, too. Ask for a start date of May 1. By the time I get to April 20 or so, I’ll know whether I want to stay at the small company, at which point I could call the safe company and tell them I’ve had a change of heart. Or, on the other hand, if by April 20 I’ve decided the small company is screwed up, I can quit and go to the safe company.
Pure genius.
So that’s what I did. I sent email to the safe company saying I accepted the offer, and would like to begin May 1. I haven’t heard back from them, but most companies like starting employees at the beginning of months, so I expect that will work for them.
And then I went to work at this small company. It turns out I’ll be reporting to the company president, which isn’t all that strange when you consider that there are fewer than twenty people working there. And I won’t be in IT. My title is “Director, Special Projects.”
Which means I do whatever the president (let’s call him Devin) wants done. Devin’s one of those idea-a-minute guys, who has only a vague idea of whether his ideas can be executed or how. Most of his ideas have to do with multilevel marketing, with an emphasis on finding new customers via spam and short-lived websites.
Here’s the thing, though: so far everything he’s asked me to “look into” is ridiculously simple. They’re all things that other people have done before, and in most cases there’s open source code already in place. In other words, I am going to be able to be this guy’s genius go-to guy, overdelivering for him by doing about ten hours of work per week.
And here’s the best part: he asked if I mind working from home. It was like I had died and gone to heaven.
I have a suspicion (much more than a suspicion, actually) that I’m an under-the-table employee. I deduced this by the way Devin offered me an additional 10% to my income if I would take care of my own benefits. I told him it would need to be more like 20% and we settled at 15%. Also, I have not (and don’t expect to) fill out a W2 form. So I don’t know if I’m technically even employed. Maybe I’m just a contractor, but I’m getting a certain amount every two weeks.
So here’s a question: is there any reason in the world why I shouldn’t also take the safe job? I can’t think of one. I have a few debts to erase, and I think this could be an interesting way to do it.
Like I said, puzzle solved.
Go Harlan Go!
What about Adam lol… good luck just dont fuck up the safe job..
If the interesting job is only going to add 10 hours to your work week it seems like a good idea. As long as everything is legal with the interesting job…
You’re already thinking about marriage with B.? Well, I hope Wednesday goes more or less to your liking.
I think by accepting May 1 at the “safe” job, you have to go and work for them. Email is almost as good as a contract. But if you have enough time and energy to manage both jobs full-time, I don’t see any reason you can’t do both. Unless, of course, you have to by physically present in two places at the same time. Then you’re screwed. Does your 15% include vacation days as well? I think that’s pretty good actually. I’m considered part-time and my employer is supplementing my hourly rate by 10%.
As for marrying someone you’re not crazy about, statistically speaking, you’ll probably end up miserable. One of my good friends married a man she can’t stand (even before they got engaged) and all she does is complain and whine about him constantly. They’ve only been married for a year and I don’t want to talk to her anymore because I can’t take the incessant disappointment. It’s not like she didn’t know what he was like before she married him. And now they’re both miserable. Eventually it will become unbearable and one of them will bail. Hopefully they won’t have kids at that point. Even my married friends who love each other don’t seem 100% happy. Don’t do that to yourself. Relationships and marriage are hard enough even when you really like the person and have lots of stuff in common.
I’d love to work from home. Currently, I’m on sick leave from work with severe vertigo (not the world-is-spinning type, but the can’t-walk-in-a-straight-line-or-in-fact-walk-without-falling-over type), I’m currently applying for incapacity benefit, but I like the idea of having a job, and working from home would be perfect.
I’ve wondered if I should take a look at some of the technology blogs that are around and see if they’ve got any full-time work-from-home editor/writer positions going.
Good look with the clandestine employment Harlan, but like adam said, don’t screw up the safe job, or you may end up back at square one.
So how about Janet? With racquetball, you and she have at least one common interest, which is one more than you have with Bertha. You already decided she’s “smart” and you’ve given her a name only one letter away from sweet “Jane,” so I think the thought’s occurred to you.
Why not take both jobs? The guy with the pyramid marketing schemes won’t last longer than a fart in a tornado. You’ll have more to write about. You’ll leave yourself open to the disasterous Harlanesque moment when you have to be in two places at once. That will lead to an amusing blog.
Moshizzle is correct as usual about marriage.
can i just say that the last few days days from blog and comments have been as close to genius and originality as you are ever going to get webwise. Thank you one and all for priceless entertainment.
My title is “Director, Special Projects.”–This means he’s going to want you to kill people.
“Maybe I’m just a contractor, but I’m getting a certain amount every two weeks.”–You just used the word “contractor,” not me. So don’t be surprised when an envelope showes up with 5Large, a picture, and a gun. Yeah, you’ll get paid every two weeks…as long as you kill people.
“Most of his ideas have to do with multilevel marketing, with an emphasis on finding new customers via spam and short-lived websites.”–Why are the websites short-lived? Because he’s going to have you kill them.
“Devin’s one of those idea-a-minute guys…”–This is especially troublesome when his ideas involve killing people. If I were you, I’d remind him that you can’t un-kill people if he changes his mind, and that you offer absolutely no money-back guarantees.
“…he asked if I mind working from home.”–Well he sure as hell doesn’t want you killing people at his office! Also, please note that he said you’d work “from” home, not “at” home.
In addition to killing people, I forsee trips to Bogota Columbia and a stretched anus in your future.
It seems as though things are looking up for you. I think you should try to take both jobs since it looks like it will work out well. Work both till you get rid of that debt and then focus on the more legal one. You can always do freelance work on the side if you get bored later. At least that’s legal. Good luck!
Do it.
I work two full-time jobs - one “from home” and one at an office - and I am living large, although overly busy and quite stressed. If your “at home” job is truly that mind-numbingly simple, though, you should be set.
It was an easy decision for me. I realized that the typical corporate employee spends more time slacking off in the average day than actually working and that I could use my slacker time to earn a whole second salary. I did it for almost a year and just decided to give up one of the jobs last week, because - as some had mentioned - it got very difficult to manage when I *did* have to be 2 places at once. I ran out of vacation days/sick days/excuses. One time I had said I needed three days off to go for knee surgery; I’m still walking with a fake limp.
If you don’t mind weaving a web of ongoing lies to both of your employers - and, of course you clearly don’t - then it can be kind of… an adventure?
More likely that Harlan will be a patsy for something illegal (he’ll find out later that he’s a ‘responsible officer’) and he’ll end up in a Colombian prison with a stretched anus.
Take both jobs. The 2 hours a day one is the money-maker whilst the safe-job is well…your day-job.
Nice play!
Harlan,
Let’s do another puzzle. You could ask Janet out and start dating her and have B on the side. If you can juggle 2 jobs, you can juggle 2 women. Now that’s an adventure!!!
And on Thursday morning, Harlan will find out that his ‘rocking boat’ analogy better describes sex than it does life as he awakes with his wrists shackled to B’s headboard and a stretched anus.
incroyable!
The small company job sounds definitely shady and certainly not very stable, so, absolutely! Take them both. What an incredible outcome to your job saga.
Aren’t you glad you played racquetball with Janet over the weekend?
Maybe Amy will get her travel plans together and intervene before the sex-with-Bertha fiasco takes place. I think the only thing that’s clearly foreseeable for Harlan is the inevitable stretched anus.
Did you get her number? Because if not, running around the halls of the gym hoping to run into her mght come off as stalkerish…but you’ve never had a problem with that in the past, i.e. Jane or the slut at the Christmas party. So…congrats!
I’m thinking I should read back through the archives. On hearing about this Jane and the christmas party slut, I feel like I’m missing out.
I thought Jane was the Christmas Slut.
Don’t fuck up the safe job. The pyramid scheme spammer job may or may not work out (sounding more and more like not) I don’t think you’re really suited to working from home (I know you think you are) because you’re SO SMART that you’ll easily turn to multi-tasking and end up losing money online fasther than you’re making it. Whether it’s wise or not, the fact is most people find their eventual mates through the workplace. Comfrtable or not, you should probably be around other people more than you have been lately.
Wednesday has nothing to do with marriage; some Wednesday in June might be time to start thinking about that. This Wednesday is just about Wednesday (or about writing the epic post about what disaster turned Wednesday into Crapday - but I hope not…)
take the two jobs
marry and go to prostitues on weekends
you can have two personalitys anyway
TODAY’S THE DAY!! Harlan, et al, is going to get it from Bertha!
By the way, take all the jobs and all the chicks. It only makes sense. The larger the inventory the better chance all of your personalities have of being happy.
Lilly
Queen of Vitriol
It’s not Wednesday yet. Lilly must live in Australia.
If you’re thinking that marrying B would be a good idea because she’s as good as you deserve, or because no one else may ever come along, then you definitely should not marry her.
I rode my bike to work today said it well, H! Wednesday does not have to have anything to do with marriage. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. In fact, relax…take a nap and concentrate on the fact that Wednesday has just been named ‘premature ejaculation day’.
What a coincidence!
SHIT! Crackjob, you’re right and I don’t live in Australia. I’m so busy being all ‘vitriolic’ that I lost track of what day it is!
Asshat, quit saying “stretched anus” already! Or are you hoping your wife/partner will find this site?
BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD Idea….
How the heck are you going to make yourself available and give either job the attention it needs. You will end up doing a half ass job at each place or working long, long, long days and nighs to keep up.
sheesh do look for ways to get your self in trouble.
Decide before your start date wheather or not you want to stay at the weird job or take the safe job.
“Zane” = “Harlan”
you write all of your own comments
why?
That is so great! What a freaking stroke of luck, on top of an amazing stroke of genius to even think that way. For 10 hours a week, who the fuck cares if you do it at night or during the day, just keep your cell phone on. You’ll figure it out. What computer geek keeps normal business hours anyway, especially when working from home? Definitely take both jobs & when one of them sucks, you can feel good knowing that you at least tried it.
Take the two jobs, it isn’t that hard! Just consider it as payback to the MAN who is aways trying to hold you down! I would personally do a half-ass job at the secure job so they really don’t know your real potential.
Take both jobs, you can always quit the strange one.
Please use protection, dont get that lady preggers.
Dont marry her either, she aint going nowhere..
Moshizzle, I just thought it would be a nice tip of the asshat to Leland if as many comments as possible today ended with the words “stretched anus.”
No, Jane was the crush, the Christmas Slut was the random chick that kissed him at the Christmas party. Read the archives, people. It’s not that much and it’s worth it.
asha: Harlan = 99% of all commentors
Well then, in the spirit of asshats everywhere…
http://seemikedraw.wordpress.com/2007/10/13/dummy/
I stand corrected Jezebel was the Christmas slut. Jane was the Fag Hag he was in love with Yet… Richard only had Bertha to Offer. What’s scarier yet is What are the six degrees of Harlan?
Thanks, Lilly
Oh, I used to live in Australia, but after a couple years down there (a day ahead) I limped home with a stretched anus.
That’s great!
I have a feeling that if none of the H’s performs tomorrow night, Bertha is going to stretch the living shit out of their anus.
Gotta love vitriol!
Like Meg Ryan: “YES, YES, YES”. yes, yes, yes, YES.
In the case of the H’s, I believe it would be it would go more like “YES…NO! You’re done already?!!”
Wow. Harlan is chronically, compulsively dishonest.